I really feel like I am a pretty spiritual and religious person. Last night, for some reason, was a really emotional evening for me (Pregnancy hormones maybe?). But I really started thinking about all of the awful things that I have done in my life and I got this idea into my head that God was punishing me for all of those things by giving me cancer. He's not, right? No...can't be.
So Kevin convinced me that this is not a punishment that it is some sort of penance. That I am supposed to take this experience and learn something from it and take that lesson and apply it to other aspects of my life and help other apply it to aspects of their life. Romans 2:4 states, "Do you have contempt for God, who is very kind to you, puts up with you, and deals patiently with you? Don't you realize that it is God's kindness that is trying to lead you to him and change the way you think and act?" I don't have contempt for God because I know of all of the blessings that he has given me in life...including the life that I am carrying right now. But maybe God is trying to say something to me? But what, I don't know yet.
I have had these dumb thoughts in my head like, "Am I going to see Natalie grow up?" or "What if Natalie is the legacy that I am leaving on this earth?" or "Am I really capable of relinquishing control of all of this and putting it into God's hands?". I DON'T KNOW! That is the scary thing.
What does God want me to change in my life? When will I know what all of this was for? It is frightening that for the first time, I don't have any answers or explanations.
About Me
- Sarah Joanis
- Hi! My name is Sarah. I live in a Chicago suburb with my husband, Kevin and our beautiful 2 year old daughter, Natalie, and our 2 cats. We have been so blessed with everything we have been given: love, laughter, health, & happiness. I have been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and am blogging about my experiences. I have been challenged and push to my limits, but I trust in God and trust in whatever plans he has for me. I am in remission now and simply celebrating each day!
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2 comments:
mrs j...no matter what you have done in the past you don't deserve any of this pain that you are going through, but kev is right and there is probably some sort of lesson behind all of this heart ache. but there is so much to look forward to and very soon you will be reminded of how amazingly sweet life really is. love you lady.
Sarah, You don't know me, but Kevin might remember me. My name is Greta Mueller. We used to live next door to Kevin when he lived in Lyons. Casey sent mfe an e-mail about the new baby. Congratulations! You are truly blessed. Babies are such a miracle. The reason that I am writing to you is that I also have ovarian cancer. I have had it since 2005. The cancer just re-occured this year and I had surgery in March. I am taking the same chemo as you. Fortunately,(or not) since this is my 2 time with chemo, I got a port. That in its self is a story for another time. I understand how you feel about your wig. I hate mine also. It is hot and uncomfortable and just wasn't my hair. I don't wear my wig anymore. I either wear a baseball cap or nothing. I went out for the first time on Sunday in a dress and my bald head. We went to church and then to the Walmart and the trip went very well. I will say that I was with my family and that made it much easier. I am writing this at work and I have a cap on. Some day. I had a great friend that I lost to breast cancer last Oct. She was such an inspiration to me. She had such a great faith. I think that one of the most important things that she said to me was that this(cancer) was just a bump in the road. Life will go on. Your children will go to school and grow up and you will go to work and school and church and not let the cancer rule your life. Sarah, Keep the faith. You will never know who you will touch along the way. How God will work through you. I have added you and your precious family to my prayer list. I will keep track of your success through the blog.
Take care
Greta
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