Round #3 Sucked

So as I am up at all hours with the baby, I am choosing 4:00 am to publish my next blog post. Ahhh..the joys of motherhood. :)

Last Tuesday, I had my port put in. That wasn't so bad. It was like a 20 minute procedure where they put me in a twilight sleep. It actually was pretty awesome. A lot better than going under general anesthesia and being completely out of it for an hour or two afterwards. I have a small incision on my right collarbone (it is still healing and looks very gross so I won't post a picture just yet) and right underneath the incision is a "ball" underneath my skin. You can feel it, but you can't see it. It is pretty weird looking. Plus, it is still a little sore (especially when a fussy baby head butts me right in the port). The doctor did give me a little Medical Alert Card to carry. Not sure why b/c I don't think that there is any metal in it to set off the detectors at the airport (although that would be totally cool). Maybe if there is a recall on ports or something, it is like my receipt...who knows.

Wednesday was Round 3 of chemotherapy. Having the port was pretty cool since I have a total phobia of getting stuck with needles (doc left the needle in during surgery so I wouldn't have to get stuck...next time is a different story). My dad came with me this time while Mom stayed at home to watch the baby. I tried to stay awake to entertain my dad, but the pre-medication wouldn't let me. Good thing that we had the mini-dvd player for Dad :)

Thursday wasn't bad. Thursday night, I started to get uber-tired and a little nauseous. Friday and Saturday completely and totally sucked royally! My entire body ached like it had never ached before. I could barely walk, I couldn't hold the baby without sitting down, and I could barely lift my head off my pillow. It was, to say the least, excruciating. It was almost like I just ran 100 marathons.

I was upset. I was very upset. I cried for long while because I am a new mommy and I couldn't even take care of my baby. I know that other people were here to help, but of course I feel that no one can take care of her as well as I can. I was helpless. Cancer is sucking the life out of me and taking away my ability to care for my baby. It is the most frustrating feeling in the world and it isn't fair at all. I know that I recover and things are back to normal within a week, but it irritates me and puts too much stress on those around me (Especially Kevin because he worries so much and I hate doing that to him).

Dear Lord, please give me the strength and courage to continue this battle. I still feel like it is an uphill journey. Grant me patience and the ability to seek out help when I can't do things for myself. Give Kevin peace of mind in times of worry and stress. And please, God, take the cancer out of my body so I can watch my little angel grow up and do wonderful things in this world.