The Chapter Ends...And a New One Begins

I had my last chemo treatment on November 5th. It was a bitter-sweet event that I was able to share with Kevin. Nothing special happened. It was like any old chemo treatment that I had before, but during this one, I couldn't help but think when is all of this going to be over? Then I realized that it is never going to be over. I am always going to have to worry about what my next blood test shows or what the next CT Scan reveals.

I am starting to wonder if I will ever get to live my life without the worry and fear that cancer won't be thing that kills me. I have so much to live for and I cherish every moment that I get to spend with Natalie and Kevin and my parents and my brother and my friends. But I don't always want to wonder if this is the last time.

I do have things to look forward to that I believe will help me feel like I can move on from this and allow me to feel like I am cured even though I may not be. I have never wanted to brush my hair and shave my legs more in my entire life. I miss my hair. I miss the feeling that you get after you shave your legs when there was a little stubble and you run your hands over the smoothness. I miss putting mascara on. I miss my normal skin tone.

It will all go back to normal eventually. I will get my hair back. I will get to shave my legs again. My eyelashes will come back and my skin tone will get its color back. But I know that I will be forever changed. While I miss those things, they are superficial and meaningless because I would go without them for the rest of my life if I knew I could be cancer free.

The trial is going to start in either December or January. I get a CT Scan, Chest X-Ray, and EKG at the end of the month so my doctors have my baseline measurements. Then, it will start all over again. Hopefully not as bad.

I do have to thank everyone who prayed for me and my family. Prayer heals and I ultimately believe that prayer will heal me in one way or another. Prayer has given me peace, faith, strength, and confidence. Please continue to pray because this journey is not over. This chapter has just ended and a new one is now beginning.