I am sad today. In fact, I have been sad for a while. My friend Colleen lost her battle with Cancer on December 10, 2009. I pray for peace for her and her family and I pray that love fills her heart as she starts on this journey.All of this has actually forced me to reflect on my experience and I actually had to dig pretty deep. I don't think that I ever fully comprehended what I went through and now, I don't fully comprehend how I came out of it. The whole thing seems like a whirl-wind and I may have been too preoccupied with taking care of Natalie to truly deal with my emotions. And now, with Colleen being called to be with God, it is causing a lot of fear and confusion to surface in my heart.
I talked to Kevin and I think I finally realized what I put my family through. How scared and helpless they felt. And how scared and helpless I actually felt and how all of that was masked with a false sense of well-being. I am coming to the realization that this may not be over for me. That while I am healthy now, I have to still fight. I am struggling to understand why Colleen didn't make it and I did. I am struggling to figure out if there is a greater purpose for me. Am I supposed to do something amazing? I am opening my heart to let God speak to me and I am just not hearing anything yet. It is confusing me. Part of me feels a little bad that I overcame something great and Colleen didn't. But I know that Colleen wouldn't want me to feel that way. She would want me to celebrate my life and the fact that I didn't let cancer get the best of me.
It is still so hard and my thoughts and prayers are with Colleen's mom and dad and brother and sister and all the rest of her family and friends. She touched a lot of people's hearts and she had an amazing spirit and I am a better person for having known her.
Can someone please please please find a cure for this God forsaken disease already? Maybe the amazing thing that I am doing is raising the woman who will. :)
On a better note, my one- year anniversary for being Cancer free was December 10, 2009. I am going to celebrate that....
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2 comments:
Sarah,
You ask if God wants you to do something amazing... Honey, you already did and you already are...everyday.
Love ya!
Faye
Sarah,
God HAS given you a special purpose. My mother has leukemia and reading your blog helped me to understand a little bit of what she was going through. Both my mother and I love your blog and your story alone has given us hope. I know my mom wont be around forever but I'm hoping her story goes something like yours has. Thank you for sharing your life. it means more than you will ever know
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